Today is world suicide prevention day and I wanted to talk frankly about what NOT to say to somebody who is feeling suicidal.

As a therapist, I have had contact with those who are feeling suicidal, and I have also spoken to clients who know somebody, perhaps a friend, or even their partner, who at that time, was feeling suicial.

Let’s be honest – suicide.. we do talk more about it these days, but ti still leaves us feeling ‘uncomfortable’.

It leaves us feeling uncomfortable because we just cannot fathom what we would do if ever we found ourselves in a position where somebody that we loved took their own life. It also leaves us feeling uncomfortable because we don’t really know what the hell we are supposed to say somebody if they tell us that they feel suicidal.

Now – I would not pretend to understand why a person is feeling suicidal. It’s personal and it’s complex. But one of the most important things that a person needs, if they tell you that they feel suicidal is to feel listened to. Being listened to means that the person doing the listening, is ACTIVELY listening, and isn’t just PASSIVELY listening, waiting for a pause in the conversation before they can swoop in and give THEIR feelings on the matter. 

I also believe that sometimes, there is no LOGIC as to why a person feels suicidal. Therefore, approaching it with logic, and trying to talk about it, can often leave a distressed person feeling even more mentally isolated. So, if you know somebody who is telling you that they just want to end it all, here are my top 3 tips on what NOT to say to them.

1. Don’t say: But you have SO much to live for.

And then go on to reel off all of the things that YOU think are positives in that persons life, and should be reasons that make them want to get up in the morning. For example, you may think that ‘you have a son, and he needs you’ could be motivation to NOT end it all….. but that person may be suicidal because they never wanted children and just cannot cope with things anymore.

Instead – tell them that you can’t pretend to know why they feel that they are done with their life, but you care and would like them to speak to somebody. Be honest, keep it real. Tell them that you understand they are beyond down, and that you wish that you knew what to say to them. But that you don’t want to be one of those annoying people who tries to act all sparkly and positive. That you respect them way to much to ‘act’ like that. And that you are here… to LISTEN.

2. Don’t say: Come on, pick yourself up, snap out of it.

Acknowledge that you have no idea what that person is feeling in the present moment and just like when somebody has depression, telling them to snap out of it is actually really patronising and shows a total lack of compassion or understanding. A person who feels suicidal is really very ill in that moment and just like if somebody was having a heart attack, they need to seek urgent medical attention.

Instead – tell them that it’s okay, that being suicidal is about being ill, and that getting medical attention is what they need to do. Let them know that you know ‘it’s not okay’. That things are far from okay. And even if you think that by talking about it it’s ‘just a cry for help’ – please do not say that. Every person is an individual and you don’t want to make them feel like a cliche.

3. Don’t say: Talk, it’ll make you feel better.

If somebody has reached the stage where they see suicide as the only option, chances are they have gone past the trying to talk about things stage. Perhaps they did try and talk and felt that nobody was listening. Or perhaps they are someone who finds it difficult to just talk about things. As I said earlier on, suicide is not based around logic. A person who feels suicidal has gone beyond logic. Talking may not be what they need to do in the present moment. It might be… but it might not be. Sometimes talking when at that point can make things feel even more intense in that moment…

Instead – Tell them that you know that talking may not help but that you are there to listen. But would they see a medical professional, get some professional help? Take the pressure of trying to get them to talk and they may naturally open up to you. But don’t assume that simply talking about things will make anything better.

 

My main advice is to understand that although its important to look out for others, and let them know that you are there for them – understand that suicidal thoughts and feelings are often a symptom of something much bigger, perhaps linked to a mental illness, and you need to think about getting help for that person. Yes, you can be there, yes you can listen (and talk if they want you to give advice) but you cannot necessarily take it all on on your own and think that you have to struggle with knowing how they feel. It’s common to feel that you would be betraying them if you got them some help but sometimes, we need to step in. It can be what keeps someone alive.

If you or somebody that you know is feeling suicidal, please do reach out and seek help. You can speak to a therapist, or call somebody like the Samaritans. Their number is: 116 123. Or send an email to: jo@samaritans.org