After years of helping clients overcome their fears and phobias, I’ve noticed something interesting about transformation. Have you ever noticed how the harder you try to control something, the more it seems to slip away.
Some clients walk in and experience profound shifts in just one session. Others feel like they have tried everything under the sun, but they stay stuck in the same patterns. The difference often comes down to one thing: their relationship with control. I’m not talking about being organised or having structure – that’s perfectly healthy. I’m talking about that white-knuckle grip some people have on life. That constant need to orchestrate every outcome, predict every scenario, and control every emotion. Sound familiar?
What I’ve discovered is that the more someone tries to control their external world, the harder it becomes for them to connect with what’s really happening inside. It’s one of those recurring patterns I see all the time, and the thing is, it’s inside where the real breakthrough happens. There’s this almost magical sweet spot where change happens effortlessly, and I want to talk about something that might be holding you back from finding it.
Trying to Manage the Unmanageable
As Carl Jung once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
In my years of working with clients, I’ve noticed that people with strong control patterns are often trying to manage the unmanageable – their internal world. Instead of saying “I feel vulnerable,” they’ll try to control everything around them.
It’s like trying to control a boat in a storm. Most people grip the wheel tightly, fighting against every wave, but the real power comes from understanding the rhythm of the water and working with it, not against it. Your emotions work the same way.
The Control Paradox
What I’ve noticed is that the people who crave control the most often struggle the most with taking responsibility for their emotional world. I frequently hear people make comments like “This technique just doesn’t work for me,” or “You need to fix this.” They’ll blame everything from Mercury being in retrograde to their morning coffee being too cold – practically anything but looking inward to ask, “What’s my part in this?”
The Brain’s Control Centre and The Overthinking Channel
When you’re stuck in survival mode, your prefrontal cortex – the logical, rational part of your brain – actually takes a back seat. Meanwhile, your amygdala (I call it your brain’s alarm system) is working overtime. It’s like having an oversensitive smoke detector that goes off when someone’s just making toast!
This isn’t just psychology – it’s happening in your nervous system right now. And when you’re constantly trying to control everything, your body stays in that heightened state of alert. It’s exhausting, and it makes change nearly impossible.
Think of your mind like a radio. When you’re constantly broadcasting on the overthinking channel – running through scenarios, planning for every possible outcome – you’re creating so much mental static that you can’t hear the quieter, more intuitive signals trying to come through. Change needs space. Control leaves no room for magic to happen.
The Power Shift
Your body always knows what’s true before your mind catches up. When someone’s physically tense, asking them to change is like asking them to relax while they’re still holding their breath. That’s why we start by helping the nervous system feel safe first. Sometimes that means something as simple as changing how you’re breathing right now.
I tell my clients that taking emotional responsibility isn’t about blame; it’s about reclaiming your power. It’s saying, “This is my experience, and I get to choose how I respond to it.”
When someone really gets this, everything changes. It’s like watching someone put down a heavy backpack they didn’t even know they were carrying.
Ready to Loosen That Grip?
If you’re recognising yourself in any of this, here are some practical first steps:
- Slow down your system: Before trying to figure it all out, help your body feel safe. Take three deep breaths right now. Feel your feet on the ground.
- Notice your patterns: Ask yourself, “What am I trying to control here?” or “What feels scary about letting go?”
- Start small with ownership: Begin with a simple question, “How might I be contributing to what I’m experiencing?”
- Break the loop: Do something unexpected. Stand up. Move. Laugh. Anything to shift out of that mental spin cycle.
- Get support: Sometimes you need someone to hold that space while you learn to trust yourself again.
Ultimately, the real power isn’t about controlling everything around you; it’s about trusting yourself to handle whatever life brings your way. That’s where transformation happens. And trust me – after helping hundreds of clients break free from their fears and phobias, I can tell you that the moment you loosen your grip on control is often the moment everything begins to change.