It’s that time of year again here in England, where Nurseries and Schools are getting ready to close for summer..
And parents everywhere are panicking.
Panicking that…
Their child is leaving Nursery and moving onto Infant School.
Or their child is leaving Infants and heading into Junior School.
For some, it’s the end of being in Juniors and moving into secondary school, and then for others, it’s their ‘child’ leaving school altogether and maybe going off to work, or college!
‘I’ve been feeling really sort of… panicky. She’s growing up too 
quickly. I feel like life is running away from me’
One of my female friends said this to me, when she was talking about her girl leaving Nursery and soon to be starting Infant School, and as much as I tried to get her to think of the positives, somehow, I noticed this fear taking hold of her. She honestly looked REALLY panicky.
‘What is it that’s bothering you?’ I asked her, and her reply really surprised me. ‘I don’t want her to leave me’……
As our conversation continued, it was then that I realised the crux of things. She didn’t want her daughter to grow up quickly and leave her. She was a single Mum, her partner had left when her daughter was tiny. And she didn’t want to be on her own, worrying about being an old lady..
What was really at the heart of it then, wasn’t that she didn’t want her daughter to go to Infant School, it was that she had a subconscious fear of loneliness.
And she’s not the only one feeling this. I have seen an influx of posts on my Facebook, where parents are panicking about such changes. So, if YOU are currently feeling something similar, what can you do to get through this?
Here are my top 3 tips:
1. Accept that your child/ren aren’t ‘leaving you’. Even when they grow up and move out, they’re still very much a part of your life. Of course there can exceptions to this. But it’s down to you to create a relationship that encourages life long connections.
2. Know that what you are feeling is a normal and natural part of being a parent. Let yourself feel these feelings. Maybe write letters to give to your child when they are older, to show them how you were feeling. This will help you ‘feel and then heal’ and it will also make for a lovely keepsake that you can both sit and look back upon.
3. Look at what it is about being ‘alone’ that scares you and then put your energy into fixing that.
Which leads me onto my next tip. How to handle your fear of loneliness.
How to handle your fear of loneliness: Close your eyes. And I want you to picture the scene in your head, that is the one that you are most scared of. You know the one that I am talking about – a time, when you are older, and sat in your living room maybe, and your children have left home – take a look around you. What do you see?
Use all of your senses, what do you see, smell, taste, hear.. what can you touch/feel? Really soak up this feeling, and then hold that picture in your minds eye for a moment.
Next, I want you to turn this mental image into black and white. Then I want you to add some comedy music into the background. I want you to then let this image float away from you. Far away into the distance.
Then, come back into that living room, but make the colours vivid. Turn them up, so that they are bright and bold. Surround yourself with the smell of home cooking, the sound of music and imagine yourself relaxing with a cup of tea, as you take a break between seeing visitors and doing things. You’re a very busy and happy person.
Know, that YOU have the power to create things, and you have the power to refuse to allow yourself to be lonely. Even when the time does come (and it will) for your child or children to move away from you, you can create a life that has you meeting new people daily. Go to a cookery class, go learn a new language, go on walks, get a dog and take the dog for a walk, and spend its of time visiting your children.
If you allow your mental image of yourself, crippled by loneliness, to take hold of you, you will find that you create that reality. You will find that you become so down and anxious as you grow older, that you will stay in your house, and become lonely. So see the feelings that you are experiencing at the moment as a blessing.
You are able to stop this in its tracks before you get there – and choose to change the outcome.
On a final note – try not to let your worry get the better of you. This moment, where you child is leaving Nursery, or Infants, or wherever they may be right now, this moment is really precious. You won’t get to share this again, so make it really positive, Focus on celebration. Celebrate your child’s journey, and use this to help build their confidence.
Until the next time,
Chris
Christopher Paul Jones, the Breakthrough Expert.