Febuary 10th was world marriage day and this week we also have Valentines Day. I wanted to get a little personal here, and reach out to those of you who may be a little phobic when it comes to commitment and marriage.
The first thing that I want to say, is it’s okay, we’ve all probably been there… and even those of us who have made it down the aisle, would have had their fair share of panic attacks in the whole process of commitment.
However, if you feel that your fear of commitment is really genuinely stopping you from being with somebody.. or being happy.. then here are my top 3 tips on how you can deal with that.
1. Ask yourself if this is a phobia or… you just aren’t somebody who wants commitment.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the whole commitment thing… we hit our 20’s and people start putting the pressure on don’t they?
‘When are you going to stop partying and settle down?’ or.. ‘when are you going to find a nice guy / girl and start a family?’.
We grow up hearing that socially, this is what is expected from you, but for some of us, we just don’t want commitment, or 2.4 chuldren and a wife or husband. And this is okay. Some people just do not want it. There are actually some of us out there who prefer to be single, and never have children. Gasp. I know. Can you believe that? (I am of course being sarcastic there).
Have a chat with yourself, and ask yourself, are you phobic and fearful of commitment (but want it) OR are you actually resisting commitment because it’s not something that features in your life plan. And if that’s the case, then drop it. You owe no explanartion to anyone and it really is okay to feel like this.
2. Ask yourself what exactly is it that scares you? Then redefine things.
Many clients who have come to see me to talk about a phobia of commitment have often told me that they just cannot see themselves commiting because they are scared that if and when they do so, it will mean letting go of their own identity. For example. one client who I shall call ‘John’ told me that he loved his partner very much and on some levels, did want to spend the rest of his life with her, but he was worried that if he showed her that he wanted to do so, he would have to give up this golf hobby.
Sit down, and talk to your partner and ask them what commitment means to them. We all get so caught up in societies definition of what it should look and feel like, and then we compare our partner and our relaitonship to that. As a couple, don’t be afraid to redesign things – sit down together and talk about your fears.. then come up with a realistic plan as to how the two of you see commitment. What does it look like for YOU?
3. Throw away the rule book and create your own. You call the shots.
Going back to point number 2 here, I really do want to nail this one on the head, and remind you that YOU (and your partner) can design your own relationship, but you as an individual can get the confidence, when entering a relationship, to be clear about who you are, what your relationship rules are, and you can set your boundaries. YES relationships are all about compromise, but ultimately, you choose whether or not you want to be in a relationship, so ask yourself, why does commitment scare you?
If you put yourself back in the driver’s seat and allow yourself to look for commitment in a way that fits in with you, then you have nothing to be afraid of.
Of course sometimes, we can fear commitment because of something that is going on, on a more subconscious level. For instance, if we can think back to our parents unhappy marriage, and that puts us off marriage for life…… did you know, that you don’t have to be a Victim of this forever? Book a clarity call with me and let’s talk about your personal situation and I will let you know how I can help you one to one to get over your fear of commitment forever.
Until the next time, enjoy whoever it is that you are with because life is short. Remember, you call the shots here, take each day as it comes, and make each day count, and don’t get too caught up in stressing over what society makes you feel like you ought to be doing.
Until the next time….